Along Came Pacie

On March 30, 2012, I got a pacemaker. I named her Pacie. The first few weeks after surgery, I didn't understand what was happening to me. I vaguely understood the need for a pacemaker, and I struggled with the concept for a few months.

Before my pacemaker implant, I felt like I was living in a fog and it seemed that reality was feigning. I spent most of my days walking around in what appeared to be a dreamlike state.

I had more pain than anticipated during my recuperation, and after the pain subsided my emotions where heightened. I experienced the “old state of shock”—once again it was surreal.

Next were the stages of grief. Anger and depression were new to me, as this is not generally how I cope. I always see the potential in life. My anger shook my faith—these feelings were so unfamiliar. They were not even apparent during my open heart surgery and recovery.

I specifically recall the aftermath of my open heart treatment. All I wanted was to get on with my life! I recall the time my doctor tried to explain to me my diagnosis of heart disease—I flipped out and argued that I “only” had a hole in my heart and that it was fixed, exclaiming “I don’t have heart disease.”

The next four years were tumultuous—bouts of arrhythmia, trips to the emergency room, and shortness of breath were a way of life. When my EP diagnosed me with sick sinus syndrome and offered a pacemaker, it blindsided me.

Now Pacie and I are good friends—she has given me my life back. Her birthday is next month and I will celebrate! No shortness of breath, I can go to work daily, take long walks, clean my house and even play with my dog. What a wonderful life!