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Imperfect is Good Enough

Monday, February 29, 2016

By Yvonne Hall

I was fortunate enough this past weekend to attend an Embrace and Empower You seminar organized and hosted by a young mom whose daughter is living with a rare congenital condition. This seminar, and its panel of speakers, was not about congenital illness, but the necessity of our own self-care. The theme of her presentation centered on the affirmation, “I am imperfect and I am enough.”

In today’s world of displaying a perfect image of our perfect lives, it takes a lot of courage to be able to declare, I am imperfect—and I am enough! It takes even more courage to really believe it. I wish I had heard this affirmation 50 years ago.

As a young mom of a daughter with congenital heart disease, had I acknowledged that no amount of “being perfect” would make my child well, I may have been more willing to allow others to be there for her as well. Without this understanding, the stress that accompanies the drive to perfection can eat into a parent’s mind and soul until one day it takes its toll. After decades of needing to be in control, I had to physically crash before I could admit that I had crashed emotionally years before. Only then was I able to reach out and ask for help.

Seeking help takes many forms. When feeling depressed, I admit and accept. Shame and guilt keep us from being able to say, even to ourselves, that we are imperfect. Help is available in many forms and for me, counseling offered the tools I needed to regain my footing in my precarious world. You (and a partner or others) do not need to go it alone!

My crash began with anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve seen that the stress and pressures of raising a congenital child, dealing with their day-to-day care, and doing our best to keep their lives “normal” could lead to a breaking point. Too often these pressures could result in isolating siblings, isolating ourselves or even lead to marriage breakdown. I have seen too many parents, including myself, hit that wall. Luckily for the young mom who organized the Embrace and Empower You seminar, she hit the wall early and acted on it.

Why do we have so much difficulty reaching out for support? We would do anything to help our child, yet we neglect ourselves. The reality is that every parent is a superhero, but no parent can do it all. The familiar analogy of fastening your seat belt first is so true. We must secure ourselves in order to be able to secure our loved ones, and yet we seem to have it backwards.

It took 50 years and lots of counselling for me to gain these insights. When I hit my wall I finally recognised that I was depleted and could no longer help my daughter as I had before. Once I stepped aside and allowed others to take over, I began to heal. The guilt lingered, but in time it too has been replaced with the knowledge that my daughter is just as well cared for as always and by allowing her husband to take the reins, I actually offered them a gift. This is their journey now and although I’m always part of it, they’re doing fine.

It warmed my heart to hear this young mom admit to recognizing depression and seeking help when she did. She learned early what takes many people years to see. Shame didn’t hold her down. Now she is there for her children, stronger and more courageous than ever.

Shame no longer holds me down either. To all parents going through this struggle, know that even with your imperfections, you are doing the very best you can.

It truly does take a village to raise a child.

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