By Stephanie Hodgson
21 Apr

Carrying a Big Heart

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Protect the energy of your sacred life and vision. ~Pixie Lighthorse, on Buffalo medicine

A few weeks ago, I woke around 6 a.m.-ish, and felt soreness around the base of my throat. I sat up, held my hands around my neck and throat area.

In the soft darkness, with lights from the streets revealing my surroundings, I prayed. A few sentences in, I heard a voice say:

"Stephie! It will be OK. It’s been a long haul living in your vessel. You’ve done it well, but this vessel is tired. You’re ready to move on."

This was an internal voice, not a voice I hear every so often, clear as day, outside my head, but some stronger ME.

I sat for a while and tears came.

With my CHD, everything seems in vain, with such a chronic, life-threatening illness. The doctors and specialists have all said it is a progressive heart and lung disease, and I will continue to decline in health.

Medicines help manage it. Fortunately, my medical insurance covers most expenses of my medicines, but I could lose coverage, if I were to work.

What I am trying to say is that my daily struggles are rarely seen and visibly noticed unless one really knows what I endure. It hurts more when one sees my daily struggles, and wonders why I haven't “done anything with my life.”

And there is this—I'll be 50 years old in July, I've been carrying the world on my shoulders, and death seems more imminent than ever. I am afraid there is not time to tell my story.

In the year I took off from writing blog posts—in between the total chaos—still I worked on inner-healing of past wounds of the spiritual heart, mind, and soul. It’s been tremendously positive.

In my healing process with my mentor and friend, whom I quote in the beginning, she teaches us to protect our energy and vision, like Buffalo. When 2015 came near, I asked for more clarity in my purpose and goals, I asked what it is I want and need to accomplish in order to bring more meaning in my life and the world, and what I want to do with the rest of my time on Earth. And something came to me in a dream about cleansing and collaborating and circling.

Out of the clear blue, it seemed, my friend and mentor shared a quote by Caroline Myss:

"When an illness is a part of your spiritual journey, no medical intervention can heal you until your spirit has begun to make the changes that the illness was designed to inspire. Medical intervention, complementary healing modalities, changes in nutrition, and overall lifestyle may all help to some extent and should certainly be used. But the most effective healing option, when you are facing an illness as a spiritual challenge, is to rely on your spiritual practice to bring you the insights you need. Your practice can be a means of enduring the disease and healing it through increasing the strength and wisdom of your spirit — or it can prepare you for the release of your life, if that is the Divine will for you. You need to redirect your faith from the physical to the spiritual realm."

The last part of that quote resonated with me, and I wrote my friend about it. She explained "there's a lot we can do, and also a lot we can surrender to. It's not an exact science. In my tradition, the outcome is not always a happy cure. Sometimes there are things playing out which we cannot begin to understand. But our part, we can try to understand."

When the doctors discovered my CHD, at 17½ years old, I prayed one of the longest silent prayers. I asked God to let me live a long life, to keep me here on Earth for as long as possible. And I know that I have been kept here for a purpose.

Maybe telling my story is part of that, as my friend suggested, that maybe my prayer doesn't have to be silent anymore.

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