I have a confession to make—I am absolutely, positively, unequivocally a hopeless romantic! Phew…it feels wonderful to get that off my chest. I read romance novels, watch soap operas, love fairytales and believe in the concept of soul mates. If a support group existed for those of us with this “affliction,” I’d join in a heartbeat (pun intended). Maybe I’ll have to start my own!
OK, so maybe that paragraph was ladled with sarcasm—but only slightly. I really am a romantic kinda girl. Always have been. From a very young age I “hole”-heartedly believed in this idea that there was someone out there that my spirit was paired with. I championed fairytale princesses, not out of some wish that someone would come into my life one day and rescue me. I never—no, never—expected and/or wanted that. I saw stories of strong-minded, confident and independent young women who found someone that understood them, valued them and respected them. How that can be conceived as harmful to a young girl’s self-esteem I’ll never know.
Despite these beliefs, the actuality of true love in my life terrified me. I’ll be honest with you, this blog entry was originally going to be a story about my annual visits to St. Chris’ as a child. About how I got to get out of school early and spend time with my parents. Somewhere in my draft I joked about having a hole in my heart because my soul mate was out there somewhere holding the piece that would make my heart whole. I laughed, then felt the energy efficient light bulb glow like a cartoon above my head.
Maybe I’ve actually spent my life with this belief driving my romantic decisions! Did I enter this world knowing full well that a piece of my heart was in the possession of my soul mate? The idea that I’ve subconsciously been waiting for some guy to show up with a piece of my heart makes a great deal of sense to me. That realization puts so much into focus in regards to my fear of letting someone get too close to my heart. I block it off, keep it protected and don’t dare let anyone love me if I don’t foresee any kind of future with them.
I came into this world with a hole in my heart. And I’ve been looking for someone else to fill the residual emotional and spiritual wounds. I’ve been waiting for the one who holds the key to my heart, has the missing puzzle piece and makes a perfect fit. For as much as I promote individualization, confidence and free-thinking, I haven’t really practiced what I’ve been preaching. I’ve been sitting on the sidelines waiting for some guy to enter my life and repair my damaged heart. I suppose I really did want someone to save me.
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