Stress, Anxiety, Fear, Oh My!

The summer is gone, replaced by fall. I swear 24 hours are so much longer in the summertime. As a student in my first semester of senior year of college, I have experienced a noticeable change of pace since I last blogged. While my summer was no means lackadaisical, the pressure of 17 hours of class on top of project demands, a campus job, and the need to find a “big girl” career—all while appearing to have my life together—is noticeably taking a larger toll on me than balancing work and fun this summer.

Of course everyone has their stresses that define their lives at any given moment, but for me I feel these burdens, and how I express them, have been causing undue anxiety lately and it is time that I get them in check.

Everyone in college struggles with stress. At my school it seems as if there is a competition of who is the most stressed out taking place daily on the sidewalks of campus. Walking around Wofford I hear conversations that start like, “Oh my gosh, I was up until three with that paper for Dr. Jones and now I have another paper, a lab report, two projects and a presentation due tomorrow” with the other responding “Girl, that’s nothing, I wrote two papers last night, didn’t sleep a wink and will be presenting my thesis projects for three majors tomorrow and Wednesday.”

I, too, find myself joining in this competition of stress, desperately trying to emphasize how hard I work and how much I do, all the while feeling as if I don’t measure up to the impossibly busy lives of my fellow students. In the rush of the moment, it seems OK to speak with others about daily challenges, but as the conversations turn into attempts to one-up each other on dedication to busyness, the cathartic power of venting turns into an anxiety stimulator.

For most this is emotionally harmful and probably results in systemic burnout, but for me it’s causing additional damage. As a young adult with congenital heart disease, I am putting unfair stress on my heart by psyching myself out with to-do lists and competitive bragging. Multiple times this semester I have called my parents crying, fearful that I am causing palpitations and weakening my valves with all of my worry.

With CHD there is no way to check in with the heart in the heat of the moment without doctors. I will have a status update appointment this December and see how my heart has changed in the past year. But until then I am left only knowing my symptoms, which so often overlap with anxiety and depression that I struggle to know my reality.

The answer is clear: I have to learn how to manage stress in healthy ways. Whether my stress has already influenced my heart condition or not, this cycle of stress, anxiety and fear is not sustainable, especially as a young woman with CHD.

From what I hear of the “big girl world,” so many more stressors await (accompanied with many more joys) and so the only way to escape the stress and anxiety is to work through it. I think I’ll start by bowing out of the sidewalk banter competition, and maybe add in a routine of exercise and some hobbies into my days. I know it will not be an easy transition, but it’s worthwhile and I hope that in the coming weeks, months and years I can diminish the harmful stress and increase my joy, productivity and good health.